Another football season is upon us. Or as I affectionately call it: the pigskin rut.
Another 5 months (4 if we’re lucky and our husband’s team is not) of witnessing our man ride the testosterone tide of this smack-talking, high-fiving, fist-pounding, back-slapping sporting season. It mysteriously draws them into feverish rivalry with one another for a prize they will sacrifice their precious time, money, and dignity. Bragging rights.
I mean, it’s not like they get to display the Lombardi trophy in their man cave. But at least it’s a synchronized annual cycle so we wives can support them through it together. So let me help you help him. Here are my top tips.
Feign a passing interest in his team. Some men do not require your participation in this particular passion. A lot do. It gives them an opportunity to strut and display their superior knowledge. They need this outlet. Simply ask “What’s a touch-back?” and you have initiated foreplay. But, and this is very important, hold your questions until a commercial break.
Don’t Be Offended
Don’t take offense if your husband doesn’t converse with you. It’s nothing personal. Most men simply do not multitask during football games. It is for this reason babies should never be left in his care during game time. His care for them may be careless.
Identify Your Ideal Location
Find your sweet spot location during a game. You may want to be close enough for chance conversational interaction but removed enough to avoid accidental injury from your man’s spontaneous reaction to a fumble.
My personal sweet spot during a game is at a flea mall or Goodwill. The man has my cell number if he needs to talk.
Provide food for your man. It doesn’t even have to be particularly healthy or even tasty food. He won’t notice. But the professional players on the field aren’t the only ones burning calories. Your husband needs edible fare to sustain him for his essential role in his team’s success. It all falls apart if you don’t step up here. Or so I’m told.
Proper Consolation Technique, Part 1
When a key player on your husband’s team sustains a season-ending injury, it’s appropriate to send flowers – to your husband. The injured player has a fat contract that covers such contingencies, your man does not. It’s a true and sorrowful loss for him. (At this point, you may also find strategies from Every Woman’s Guide To The Man Cold applicable.) This segues us to the next point.
Proper Consolation Technique, Part 2
After any team loss, never utter the words “It’s only a game.” A woman said this once and her body has never been found.
Go With It
Your husband suffers the delusion players and referees can hear him through the television screen. He yells instruction and rebuke at them. However, do not attempt to shatter this delusion. It’s a futile exercise. Your energy is better spent complimenting the color pallet of his team’s uniforms.
Necessary Mental Adjustment
Make the mental adjustment that football season involves more than games. It also includes untold hours of listening to the talking heads on ESPN argue and analyze the minutia of each game and player. If you don’t account for this in preparation for supporting your man through football season, you’ll snap.
I know it’s a lot, but you can do this. Keep telling yourself “A new season of Masterpiece Theatre starts in January.”
If your husband’s team should make it to post-season play, do not neglect self-care. You’ve borne the emotional weight of a caregiver for endless weeks. Make sure you take a break to attend to your own physical, psychological, and social needs at this critical juncture. He needs you to be strong. Just one more month to go. Max.
Super Bowl Consequences
Finally, be advised of the risk or benefit (you decide) that will likely present itself should your husband’s team make it to The Game Of Games. Every child born in November is the result of a Super Bowl celebration or consolation. Yes, every one. Unfortunately, this coincides with the middle of the next pigskin rut, er, football season. So head’s up about that.Every child born in November is the result of a Super Bowl celebration or consolation. Yes, every… Click To Tweet