Character

Holiday Family Drama Survival Guide

holiday family drama

“I wasn’t in the door ten minutes before my mother started in on me – venting her criticisms of everything I do.” That’s how an acquaintance began recounting her Thanksgiving visit to her parent’s home. “I listened for five minutes, put my coat back on, said “Try being nice to me next year,” and walked my family out. My brother and sister are furious with me, but they’re gutless anyway.”

That’s holiday family drama. And similar family dynamics make so many people dread the holidays.

Why Do People Create Holiday Family Drama?

It’s hard to believe anyone goes to the trouble of preparing a large dinner all the while plotting to serve it with resentments and grievances. That’s anyone’s version of crazy. So why does it happen so often? Experts say drama happens because families tend to default to roles they played when the kids were growing up. Click To Tweet

Experts say drama happens because families tend to default to roles they played when the kids were growing up. Parents (now grandparents) find it hard to resist offering unsolicited “input” to their adult children. And adult children often revert to their place in the family pecking order.

The sparks fly when somebody refuses to play their old part. Adult children often experience the dynamic of healthier families – families they’ve married into or otherwise become closely engaged with. Then they raise their expectations of their own family, themselves, or both. Not everyone welcomes the new expectations or sees them as an evolutionary step forward.

Furthermore, most people haven’t heard or heeded the old axiom: “Treat family like friends and friends like family.” Family is prone to treat each other with more license than they would ever treat a friend. That’s not a sign of closeness. That’s a sign of disrespect.

(To read about dealing with painful relationships with mothers, check out this post.)

7 Big-Pants-Wearin’ Ways To Manage Holiday Family Drama

Every family has its own dynamic and nuances. So think through yours and plan ahead using the survival tactics best suited to your situation. Head’s up, it starts with you – which is good news because “you” is who you can control.

One

Realize your family is not the one who changed. You likely did. And although that’s probably a positive step for you and your own children, you need to cut your family of origin some grace. Your epiphany wasn’t theirs. And you probably didn’t come by yours as the result of someone forcing it on you. So be gentle with them. Model the change you’d like for them to see. Walk it, don’t talk it. Any fool can start barking about how others should behave.

Two

As long as you’re upsetting the apple cart of roles, be willing to go further than you think you must. What I mean is, if you’ve grown in maturity beyond the present ability of a parent or older sibling, maybe that’s the role you fill. (Though I don’t recommend announcing that’s what you’re doing. Won’t go over well.) Stop waiting for an older sibling to be nurturing and protective of you if they don’t have that in them. You can be the older sibling regardless of birth order. (Happened all the time in the Bible.)

Three

Remind yourself a family visit isn’t the same thing as moving in. You can get through anything with a smile when you know there’s an end to it. If you’re as mature as you think you are, you can do it. See it as a personal challenge and character exercise. This doesn’t mean resigning yourself to your expected part. It means you demonstrate control over your emotions instead of letting them control you.

Four

Consider the wild idea not everything said to you is wrong. Listen to what’s being said and give it all a fair evaluation. At least one thing should stick and give you an opportunity to show humility and maturity. Own what you should own. Give up being right about EVERY thing.

Five

When you’re at a loss for words to respond to something truly nutty, you can excuse yourself to the bathroom. It’s a place to get away and get it together. There you can chuckle, roll your eyes, or whisper “Help me, Jesus!” If you go to the bathroom a lot, they’ll think you’re tore up. Or they’ll figure it out.

Six

Pray for your family – before you go to visit, while you’re there, and afterward. It’ll lessen your aggravation toward them, grow you in Christlikeness, and bring glory to your Maker.

Seven

If you’ve lost your big pants, don’t go. It’s better to skip the event and let family speculate about your issues than to throw a big ole hissy fit and confirm them. Of course, there are legitimate family dynamics where skipping the event means you’re firmly zippered in your big pants.

Drunkenness, for example, is among them. No amount of modeling respectful behavior, tolerance, or personal self-control on your part will make an impression through a haze of alcohol. Besides, the emotional risk to your own children is too great and your first responsibility is to protect them. You decide what constitutes a risk too great for you and yours. You might feel sad, but don’t feel guilty.

There you have it. Seven strategies to deal with holiday family drama. Godspeed.

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  • Samantha O’Brian Summers

    This is excellent because it is so easy to forget the psychology behind a person’s actions. Unfortunately for me, the most drama I get is from another outsider (the SIL) and just because she’s been in the family longer she feels she’s ahead of me. Got to love it and I do pray for her. May the rest of your holiday season be drama free!

    • Wife Sense

      Yeah, hard to remember we don’t all operate out of a vacuum. Sorry about the petty SIL drama. I’d say practice your curtsey, but that would just add fuel. 😜 Glad you pray for her – that’s big girl pants wearin’!

  • Jennifer Seislove

    Having come off a long weekend with family for Thanksgiving, this was an honest and excellent post that totally hit home with me! To tip #3…smile, control yourself, and build character! I feel like these were my words in my head all weekend long. Thanks for all the great words!

    • Wife Sense

      You’re welcome, Jennifer. Keep them words – you’ll need em for Christmas! 😁

  • My family is so small, we don’t even go throught drama, sometimes I feel sad about it but when I read this things I feel better 😀

    • Wife Sense

      Right?! There’s nothing like a window into other folk’s drama to make you thankful for the lack of it in your own family.

  • My mom’s fam is pretty easy going so I think I lucked out with them – but don’t even get me started on the ‘other’ sides!

    • Wife Sense

      So you’ve seen both sides, then. My childhood had lots of drama (including police being called!) but my own adult kids know how to behave like adults. I look forward to holidays now.

  • Nicole Saunders

    Whew! This is so good! I felt like #1 was a reminder just for me! Then I was laughing with #3 – use it as a character building exercise! 😂😂😂

    • Wife Sense

      Thanks, Nicole! Something has to build our character, right?!