Marriage

Every Woman’s Guide To The Man Cold

every woman's guide to the man cold

To properly undertake the care and treatment of the man cold, an uninitiated wife must have a resource to guide her. Even the experienced woman needs a handy refresher. This is that resource – written for every woman’s education and reference

“Man cold” is the popular, yet misleading designation for a near-fatal wasting disease Click To Tweet“Man cold” is the popular, yet misleading designation for a near-fatal wasting disease distinctively associated with the Y chromosome. But it is not a “cold” at all. It’s a set of complex and incapacitating symptoms which render the sufferer completely dependent on a full-time caregiver. That’s you.

THE SYMPTOMS

Although man cold symptoms vary slightly in severity among the male population, observation indicates an inversely proportional relationship to age. The younger the man, the acuter his sufferings. (I offer my own theory about this later.) Classic manifestations of the temporary, but life-threatening illness are as follows.

  • A collapse of dignity and self-respect. Your man will not wear pants for the duration (typically 4-5 days.) He will speak of his mother’s attentions to his adolescent bouts of the affliction with the regularity of an Alzheimer’s patient. And he will groan – audibly and consistently.
  • The assumption of the fetal position. Your man will be disposed to lie on his side with the most advantageous view of the bedroom television. Count on it.
  • Monophobia. Left alone in his condition, your man is anxious and needy. Sooooo needy.
  • Schizophrenic Appetite Disorder (SAD, and it is) First, he wants “just crackers and ginger ale. That’s all.” Nibbles one cracker and decides his taste buds are not working. “Literally, they’re NOT WORKING!” Visibly frightened, he suggests he needs Oreos and ice-cream. “Yes, mint chocolate chip ice-cream!” That will revive his withering taste buds. Be advised: Oreos and ice-cream are merely a gateway request to order him pizza.
  • Production of copious amounts of snot. The only legit and verifiable symptom of a man cold, he will display it for maximum effect.

THE TREATMENT

There are three schools of thought regarding the appropriate protocol for treating the man cold.

The first option your mother-in-law favors. It calls for complete capitulation to his requests. After all, his discomfort is the male equivalent to childbirth. Such disability requires maximum effort directed toward his care and convalescence. It is here I note my previously alluded to theory of why older men exhibit slightly less acute symptoms: History teaches them this is not the option their wife is likely to select. So they don’t put as much effort into their prostrations.

The second option is to realize while it may be too late for your husband, you can still save yourself. You are not in danger of contracting the man cold. No woman ever has. But you are in danger of a substantial prison sentence if you snap on the man and poison him. Happened before.

So although running home to your mother’s is rightly rejected as a coping mechanism for normal marital conflict, it’s an accepted strategy when confronted with the plague that is the man cold. There’s a written provision for it somewhere.

The third option is a hybrid of the previous two. You may provide napkins, nourishment, and Ny-Quill. You can give him the television remote and a kiss on the forehead. And you can try not to roll your eyes until you’ve turned your back to him. That’s about all this option calls for and the one I favor myself. But that’s me.

A choice of treatment options for the man cold is good news for you. Choose wisely.

Update: The man cold can evolve into the man flu. Take every precaution at your disposal, or your man could be next.

man cold

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